dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
