Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
