The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
