Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
