Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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