Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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