Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
