i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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