we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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