i think i have two assholes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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