She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
