Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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