Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The ass gains better be worth it
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