you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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