She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
