Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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