I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
