All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
