After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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