are you so shy because you have an std?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i dont even know how to be here
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
