billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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