she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
