I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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