Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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