I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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