who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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