I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
