i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
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