At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
