I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
