I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
