guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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