Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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