Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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