its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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