So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
