i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
4 words: hood of his car
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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