just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm like, not good at living.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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