I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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