Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
