I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
