PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
