There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
