Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
