He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
