I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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