Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Green mimosas i think yes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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