Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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