My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
