Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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